who i am

amelia. that's my name. when i look in the mirror i find a very pretty girl with a dull colour of hair and a little acne. i find deep eyes and nice teeth and full lips. i see the freckles by my eyes and the scars under my nose and on my lip. the dark make-up, the red collar, the nice neck and collarbone and the slightly plump body... i see my elegant arms and long legs. my nice calves and normal feet with small ankles. and my lack of hips. i see years of hard work and depression culminated into one second when the light is perfect and the reflection is clean.

a flower in spring never lies. it always opens to show it's true colours and is never afraid of what the bees and birds will think of it. hues of pink and orange. undertones of blue and purple... and when the sun sets it closes again, to rest enveloped with the cold of the outside and the warmth of the earth it rests in.

honest. open. i'm afraid of disappointment. i have many fears. i never want to die alone. i'm terrified of being abandoned and alone again. that feeling of utter and complete aloneness is something i will never ever face again. i couldn't take it. i hurt people's feelings often. i am so hard to figure out and understand. i'm so strange... but i feel so much like i'm nothing special that i wish i could just go away. i am of no consequence, i'm just an ephemeral creation moving on this planet.

i don't believe in god. stars don't make me feel like i'm exploding and imploding anymore. i can't just see the beauty in things anymore and slowly i'm starting to accept the world for what it is. i hate humans, but everyday the disgust fades a little, like the sun slowly sinking to kiss the earth goodnight. i'm hard working. i believe that i can do anything if i really wanted to, but often i don't care enough to try. i have so much doubt in myself sometimes... but i know my future is bright... even if i don't show it all the time...

i'm a big bundle of insecurity, but i've been getting better. i'm confident and strong. i know how to get out of feeling alone and how to not miss people as much... i put on faces for people. i don't want to appear uncaring to anyone, so i force myself to care sometimes... it just is hard when i think about everything so logically, when it's in the long run...

but i'm so irrational. i can never make up my mind, either.

and i love men. they're are so pretty. if i ruled the world, men would never wear shirts. but i do have a favourite, but this isn't about him.

i hold grudges. i'm very harsh and brutal. i like to fancy myself philosophical, because i feel like if i am people will like me better. i love to think about things that make me cry... i just love crying in general.

i sing whenever i get the chance. especially when there is an audience. it makes me feel happy.

i feel happy a lot. but i also get very sad.

i am... amelia. there isn't really anything i can say that does me justice. i'm deep, complex, multifaceted and happy for the most part. if i could live my life over, i totally would. but most of the time, i can't see myself for what i am.

i am a secret that you can only figure out through years of being very close to me and trying very hard.

so there you go. me. amelia grace helena rose bergh... and this rose, by any other name, would no longer be a rose. i'd be something totally different.

the end.